Lorraine - "The Human"

My sweet girl Klo,

It has been 2 weeks since you crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and if I am being honest this last week felt harder than our first week apart. I have wanted to write to you, but I haven’t wanted to deal with my feelings. 

It hurt so badly missing you that first week, that once I was able to shut the emotions off I just wanted to keep them in a box and never let them out again. I know it did me NO good to avoid my feelings when Odie crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and I know I can’t avoid missing you or hurting as a result. I found myself slipping into old habits of trying to cope by keeping myself too busy to focus on my feelings, but then remembered that will only make my heart hurt more later.

I finally took your wheels out of the car, and finally put away your life vest from the last time we went paddle boarding. Putting away your things breaks my heart. I certainly won’t get rid of anything any time soon (if at all), and plenty of things will stay out where we can see them and be reminded of you! I rearranged the table in the living room and the dresser in the bedroom over and over again, and I think I finally like where everything is set up for you and Odie. I found myself wishing I had rearranged things while you were still here, because it might have felt less emotional. BUT I am ultimately really glad that I chose to spend as much time with you as I possibly could while you were still here, and left the cleaning and organizing until now. 

I am SO glad we were able to bring you home last week! Your presence certainly NEVER left us, but it brought me added comfort to have you physically home with us! I am still working out the details of the tattoo I want to get with your ashes, and I am looking forward to having you always with me again in the same way as your sister Odie is! I know that is going to bring me a lot of comfort to have you with me everywhere I go, and I’ll have you with me each time I step to the line with Mira!

Mira and I finally spent some time in one of our favorite places today. Mira found some seagulls to chase, and she went hunting for fun things in the rocks, just like you used to do. We will always think of you when we visit our favorite places, and one day you and Odie will get to show us your favorite places over the Rainbow Bridge. We love you and miss you so much!!

My sweet Klo Bear, 

It has been one week since you crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and it feels like it has been the longest week ever. It feels like just yesterday and it also feels like it has been ages since you were snuggled by my side. One week since you gave me one of your sweet kisses, since I saw your happy smile, since I heard you bark your happy bark.

I still haven’t found the strength to visit our favorite places without you. I am afraid of the feelings those places will bring up for me, but I know you would want me and Mira to continue to enjoy those places! 

I remember how hard it was to continue doing things when Odie crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I couldn’t handle the thought of dressing up for Halloween or visiting Santa or the Easter Bunny without Odie, so we never did those things again. I am glad that we created our own new traditions for Holiday photos, and I will try my best to continue those with Mira. 

We will always think of you when we go paddleboarding, and I’m sure Mira will even bark at a few birds for you! Thank you for teaching her how exciting the birds and squirrels were! We will always think of you when we play agility! We miss you so much Klo! 

My sweet Klo,

I once again find myself feeling guilty today that I have less stress, less to do, and more free time without you here. For the last several months, there was so much time spent helping you get around inside and outside of the house, cleaning you up each time you didn’t make it outside, and getting you to all of your appointments. 

So many nights of sleep interrupted when you woke me up to let me know you needed a midnight diaper change. So many mornings I wish I could just lay in bed a while longer because I was still so tired, but you needed me to get up to help get you water. So many days I was feeling physically exhausted, but somehow found the strength to still help you get around the house because you could no longer do it on your own.

I hate myself for ever feeling frustrated about any of it, but I know you understand that I was never frustrated at you, I was just frustrated that I was doing all that I could and yet it still somehow never felt like enough.  The reality is, nothing would have felt like enough, because nothing was going to make you better. I have to believe that we did the best we could, and that you always knew how truly loved you were by me and so many others. 

Thank you for teaching me patience, and teaching me to slow down and be more present. It is thanks to you that I got to enjoy so many sunrises, and sunsets, and star lit nights in the last year. Its thanks to you I enjoy listening to the birds when they sing, and watching the trees blowing in the wind.

I promise to use the free time I now find myself with in ways that make you proud! I promise to focus on being the best mom to Mira that I can possibly be. I know she misses you both so much, but I think she will enjoy being the center of attention for the first time in her life. I am sad that you never got to enjoy being the total focus because you always had a sister to share my attention with. You were always such the sweetest sister to both Odie and Mira, and you didn’t seem to mind when Odie needed extra attention, just like Mira never seemed to mind when you needed the extra attention.

You were the bestest girl in the whole wide world! I am always thinking of you Klo, and your sister Odie too!

My sweet Klo, 

Today was the first time Mira and I have played agility since you crossed the Rainbow Bridge. In all honesty, playing agility has been hard for a while now. I have missed the days when you would run around the ring with your sassy bark, making sure to greet all of your favorite people as you ran the course. 

I hate myself for ever getting upset with you for being so distracted by your favorite people, and I am so glad I eventually learned to embrace your way of socializing while playing agility. I bet if I had just let you go say hi to Mike sooner instead of trying to keep you on course while we were running Snooker at Nationals, you probably would have been more focused the rest of the run. I still kick myself for that, but I know all that really matters is that you knew you were a good girl, and I told you that several times at the end of every single run!

I’m glad we found new ways for you to enjoy being playful and sassy when you could no longer play our favorite game. Thank you for teaching me how to work with you in new ways and letting me help you run around the yard and the park. Thank you for trusting me to always have your back and be there to support you. 

I hope you are proud of how your sister is doing on the agility field. I saw the butterfly that Odie sent to visit us at the practice field today. It stopped on the weave poles right after we had finished them. Its been a while since I’ve seen a butterfly from Odie, and it was nice to know Odie was thinking of us. I know running with Mira will never be the same as running with you or Odie, and that is ok. Pieces of Mira’s personality will always remind me of both of you, and how special our bond was. I am so grateful for the time we all had together. You were certainly 3 peas in a “Pink and Spotty” pod!

My sweet and sassy Klo Bear,

I have missed you every single moment of every single day since we helped you cross the Rainbow Bridge. I struggled so much with how to know it was the right time to help you transition. I figured as long as I could handle helping you in the ways you needed, and you weren’t in any pain, there was no way I could let you go. 

I never expected that your quality of life would end up most impacted by the incontinence, but I could tell that you hated not being able to keep clean far more than you hated not being able to get around easily. I could help you get around, and I could help clean you up, but there was nothing I could do to prevent you from needing to be constantly cleaned. I know we did the best we could, for as long as we could kiddo!

When you first started landing on your knuckles with your back left paw, we took a break from agility. I never expected that the trial in January 2024 would end up being our last agility trial together. I’m so glad that we got to enjoy a few runs together that weekend, and that you had so much fun running around the ring with that sassy bark of yours!

I had hoped that chiropractic adjustments and acupuncture treatments, and some rest, would eventually help you recover, and was worried when we weren’t seeing any improvements. When we found the wonderful rehab team at Animals Only, I had renewed hope that you could one day get back to your old self. I remember the day the painful realization set in that we would only be able to manage your symptoms and delay the progression of your condition. 

For the first few months you could still get around on your own for the most part, but you needed help getting on and off the couch and the bed, getting up the stairs, and getting in and out of the car. Eventually, you needed some extra support to keep you from falling over while you were walking, but you could still stand on your own. We found a creative system to help you up the stairs, and you figured out how to tell me any time you wanted to get up for water or to go potty, or if you needed help rolling over to get comfortable. 

As things progressed, your back left leg stopped working altogether, and eventually your back right leg did as well. We got you your wheels, and that gave us a new way of getting you out and about. You could get going pretty fast in those when you wanted to, and those wheels helped you chase a few birds and squirrels! 

We took quite a few long walks with those wheels, each one ending in your typical stubborn protest of not wanting to walk to the car. I managed to find a few ways to trick you into forgetting which direction the car was, but several of our walks still resulted in me carrying you to the car because you just weren’t ready to go home yet. Silly girl!

When the weather was warm enough, we got to enjoy paddleboarding in our favorite spot. I was sad when the weather cooled down, but was so so grateful that this month brought us THREE days that were warm enough for paddleboarding! Our first and second times out, you were barking at all the birds, but when you weren’t barking at any birds on our third time out, I knew you were giving me a sign. You kept your head resting on my leg for most of the time, and when you saw the birds you perked your ears but didn’t lift your head or bark. I could tell you were having fun, but you couldn’t enjoy it the same way you always did before. Thank you for telling me it was time and you were ready. I know, without question, that it was the right time. 

My sweet Klo, 

It has been 3 days since you took your trip over the Rainbow Bridge earlier this week. I have had such a hard time dealing with the pain of missing you this week. I just want to keep the emotions in a box on a shelf. I don’t want to deal with them, but I know I have to. I just want you back with me, but I have to remind myself that your body was ready, and that you no longer had the strength you needed to be able to enjoy life on this Earth the way you wanted to. No matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be able to give you that strength back. All I could do was love you with the time we had left. I’d give anything for more time with you. 

Today was the first time I found myself genuinely smiling in days. I was standing in the house and heard LOTS of crows, and when I ran outside there had to have been hundreds of crows flying across the sky. I watched them as they spent several minutes flying across the sky over our house. How did I know you sent them? They were SO incredibly loud, and when I took a good look in the direction they were flying to I saw a cloud in the same shape as the heart-shaped spot you have on your back. There is no denying the crows were from you kiddo! 

Just a week ago we were on our paddle board, floating in our favorite spot and finding all the birds for you! I’m so glad we could do that together one last time before you crossed the bridge. I know we will paddleboard together again one day, and maybe Odie can even join us too! I bet the Rainbow Bridge has some great spots for paddle boarding and bird watching and gopher chasing in the stars, and I can’t wait for you to show me around! 

I have to believe that you can both still feel how loved you are, and that you are somewhere that I will one day be able to join you.  The thought of never seeing you or Odie again is far too painful to handle. It hurts not knowing how long we will be apart, I’d give anything not to feel this pain in my heart right now. I’d give anything for one more day, one more hug, one more wet nose kiss, one more loud bark. Those loud barks made me want to rip my hair out sometimes, but the house is so quiet without them. 

The house feels empty without your presence. My heart feels empty when I miss you, but then it feels so full when I think of how much I loved you. I can feel you sending your love from over the Rainbow Bridge, and I hope you can feel my love being sent back to you!

I hope you are all settled in over the Rainbow Bridge, and that you are having the best time ever with Odie! I know you are going to enjoy chasing birds and gophers and bunnies, and barking up a storm! Until we meet again, I will continue to look for the signs you both send my way!

I will forever love and miss you Klo!

I was so excited that I was able to rearrange “Odie’s table” today so that it can now be “Klo and Odie’s table”. It warms my heart to have reminders of both of you all over the house, and to think of you both being together again playing and snuggling together. 

It’s so hard to know that the free time I have now is only because you are no longer here. I no longer have to worry about a medication schedule or potty schedule or appointment schedule, and now I have time to get things done but I am struggling to find the motivation. I find myself struggling to enjoy being able to sleep through the night, and I hate that there is extra space in the bed now. I hate myself for not being more patient with your barking, I’d give anything to have you both barking at me again. The house is so quiet without you both in it! 

Mira and I miss you both so much, but we know you are watching over us and we feel your presence with us. 

We love you both so much!

My sweet Klo,

Yesterday I watched you start your journey over the Rainbow Bridge. The sky was clear, and the sunset was beautiful, just for you kiddo! 

I know you are in good hands, and you have a lock of my hair wrapped around you, and that brings me comfort. I also know I will see you and Odie again, and that brings me so much comfort as well. 

The weight on my heart is like no other, but I know it is only so heavy because our love was so big. There would have never been enough time, or enough memories, or enough hugs and kisses that could help my heart hurt less. All I wanted is for you to be ok, and now you always will be. 

More than one rainbow was seen in the skies of San Diego as you made your transition across the Rainbow Bridge! I knew that you’d eventually send me a bird to let me know you were ok, likely a loud one, and figured there was a good chance it would be a crow. What I didn’t expect is that you’d send a sea of loud squawking crows over the part of the freeway I was driving on within an hour of your transition. You made sure I wouldn’t miss your sign that you had made it across the Rainbow Bridge successfully, and I appreciate that.

I love you so much! I am so glad to know you are safe, and you will be home again with me very soon my sweet girl. I will forever love and miss you Klo. Please give Odie a big hug from us, and I will see you both later!